Abandonment is a feeling
How it can also be seen
The gray mouse
When I was four years old, I went with my family to visit others of our family in Iraq. A beautiful country, from what I can remember at that age. With the old, less than ideal houses and the stone floors and walls. In the bathroom, there was a laundry basket, a sink and a toilet. I do remember that vividly. It felt comfortably cold. Despite the heat outside.
As a four year old, it can be quite the challenge to go to the bathroom on your own, I would imagine. So, my mother came with me. When my aunt called for her for help, she left me on my own to go. Okay, you may think, where is this going? Well, she forgot about me.
That’s not so special. But I have spent 30 minutes on that toilet seat. And the only company I eventually encountered besides my own thoughts was a little, gray mouse. I connected with the mouse. I even named it “Syd” at the time, after a friend. Syd was my company for that long half an hour. But he made it feel shorter. More pleasurable.
And, naturally, soon as my mother remembered she left me here, she came rushing. To my own distaste and horror, Syd the mouse ran off. I was abandonded twice that same half an hour.
And that feeling is not uncommon.
Feeling like everyone around you could not care less about what you are doing. Or about who you are. Who you will be. In this world, especially with social media, we are so dependant on getting that text back. On getting someone to like our posts. To make sure we are seen. And so we know they still care. We feel abandoned because no one looks up anymore. Not from their phones, not to each other, not to the sky.
But why would our worth be dependant on what other people think is worthy? How come we abandon all our ideals, all our preferences, as soon as someone decides we are less loveable, less likeable for them? Yet we say we don’t like it when we get abandoned. Whilst we abandon ourselves, our longing and our love.
It's a mission, a lifelong mission, to find your place in the world. Everyone always says you have to stand out, that you have to be someone extroardinary. Unique. But the feeling we should abandon is the feeling of needing to be different all the time. And sometimes it is okay to be that gray mouse. If it means that someone has a great time with you, for who you are, and not for who you pretend to be.