Pick up the phone
Man only likes to count his troubles; he doesn’t calculate his happiness
— Fyodor Dostoevsky
A small content warning for this essay, column. Piece of writing. It mentions some heavy topics.
The idea of this column has been written down past midnight. As I laid in bed, listening to my playlist for when I try to sleep (and fail). That’s when it hit me, that I’m intentionally listening to a not-so-curated playlist. Past midnight, the world quiet. It’s a simple joy.
When I was seventeen, I was going through an even harder year than I was experiencing at sixteen. I truly hope not everyone had such a hard teen years. Because despite holding all the pain and anguish inside, I still listen to the non-organised, not-curated playlists I made. Not because I need to. Because I want to. Life may suck at times, but it doesn’t mean everything about it sucks. Just aspects do, I’ve concluded. May I add, after intensive therapies during my entire life. But I am at a point to write this, to consider it one of the worst paragraphs I have ever jotted down and still publish it. For the sake of my own being.
During October, I tried to take my own life away. Because I already had lost my spark due to the circumstances life presented me. And because I wasn’t ready to work on the chemical malfunctioning in my brain. My mother was called by my best friend.
That’s the whole point of this column. This essay. Piece of writing. I picked up the phone. I chose to answer the phone. To let my mother make me give my location away. To let myself be saved, just as I was drifting off.
If the ambulance came minutes later, I would not have been here to tell this story. To appreciate the many sunsets I’ve seen after. My refound love for reading, writing, music and school. I would not have been who I am today. And I try to remember that. To make conscious decisions. They may save your life one day. Or make your day a little better.
It’s strange, knowing how one single decision could change your life. And then there’s the choice. “Making a decision can change your life forever. For better or for worse.” Well, I make the conscious decision to think that my decisions will change my life for the better. If it turns out they don’t, I will handle it.
Privilege, opportunity. That’s what it is to have a choice. Especially in this world, there’s so much happening that no one has chosen for in that situation. We can choose to be kind. To care for others. Ourselves, especially. I will always, always choose to pick up the phone.
And here I sit in my bed, past midnight. This time, a different playlist on. But it’s a simple joy. To write this column. Knowing I have the power to express my thoughts, feelings and ideas now. I won’t be in hiding anymore. My heart will be intentionally worn on my sleeve.
Feel free to reach out to me. To give me feedback, critic. Pour your heart out. I’m here.
So glad you picked up the phone. You were meant to exist and create things. This was a hard but heartfelt piece and I loved every word of it <3